Chapter 319: On the Path of Endless Strife (1)
It’s tedious.
“…….”
I blinked my eyes.
As my eyelids fluttered, I attempted to move the tips of my fingers. They moved.
Without any issue, I lifted my head, raised my torso, and moved my lips.
“Kim…… Gong-Ja……”
It worked.
I could speak. My name. The coordinate of my trace.
I hadn’t lost it.
“Uh……!?”
Suddenly, a severe pain wracked my head.
“Ugh……! Uh…!”
The blood vessels on the side of my head throbbed as if they were going to burst. The headache spread quickly from the side to the front of my head. My lips parted, and my salivary glands uncontrollably sputtered. I barely managed to wipe the drool leaking from my mouth with the back of my hand.
“Huhk…….”
“Miss! Are you alright?”
Someone burst in. The sound of the door and footsteps intertwined.
Even the urgency in those noises was as grating as scratching a lump of metal in my head.
“Keep it… quiet…….”
I could only groan.
“Keep the… noise down…….”
“Oh my. Look at the fever on your head.”
Fortunately, it seemed the other party understood my words.
“I thought you were a bit better over the weekend, but oh dear, what to do. I’ll call a doctor.”
“Hmm…….”
“Just wait a bit, Miss. The others will be here soon, too.”
I found it hard to grasp the situation.
Being addressed as “Miss,” I must have become a woman.
Then, was the original gender of ■ ■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■ ■■■ a female?
‘Strange.’
There was no record of the original gender for ■ ■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■ ■■■. It was obliterated. Since the tower stripped that name and appearance, even if my skill glimpsed the trauma, it wouldn’t be known.
My skill is also executed by the tower, isn’t it?
‘Why then?’
I squinted through the pain.
‘What kind of person has the trauma been replaced with……’
And the moment I looked up at the mirror in the room, I forgot to even moan and gaped.
“…….”
Hair as sorrowful as moonlight, silver.
Eyes that circulate blood, making the onlooker shudder.
Yet, the curve from the forehead to the jawline is so agonizingly delicate, one cannot help but watch the precarious balancing act, feeling an unknown fear while having no choice but to gaze upon her, denying any other option.
That was.
“Lady Raviel? Are you alright?”
“Seems you’ve got a fever as soon as you woke up again today…”
“Being as prone to illness as you are, it’s alright. It’s probably nothing serious.”
“What should we do? Should we inform the madam?”
“Wouldn’t that just add worry on top of worry? Let me examine her first and then…”
She was the person I loved.
It’s tedious.
“…….”
I lay by the fountain in the garden, gazing blankly at the sky.
It seems that I’ve become the goddess I love, Raviel Ivansia.
And a very young Raviel at that.
“About twelve years old, I guess….”
Even this voice that reverberates inside my mouth carried an unchanged beautiful resonance despite being my own.
“Uh.”
Just muttering to myself made me somehow feel embarrassed. As if Raviel whispered a secret into my ear.
What to do.
If someone else sees this, they’ll think I’m a lunatic who’s smitten with his own voice, just a mad person.
My embarrassment aside, I wouldn’t want Raviel to be regarded as a madwoman.
“Is that so?”
I realized.
I must become mute.
What a brilliant solution.
Might as well live with my eyes closed too. I can avoid mirrors, but that’d be trouble when maids are dressing me. It’s best to just bind my face with bandages and live like that.
“Miss! You can’t just lie down in the fountain!”
A maid hurried over from afar.
“Come quickly.”
I was lying on the rim of the circular fountain. Even though the sunlight was scorching, it was cool here because of the fountain’s chill seeping in.
Raviel liked cool sensations. I knew that since I started living with her. Even as a child, she was the same, instinctively seeking cool places.
“No, I misspoke. Come slowly. You’re out of breath.”
“Heck, hek… Oh my, I’m dying…”
“You’re already out of breath. My advice was too late. It’s a master’s negligence to not notice a servant’s panting.”
“Ah, Miss…. In such a place, recklessly, lying down! As the empire’s premier lady, your dignity is in question…!”
The maid covered my waist with a thin blanket. Even the blanket was of the highest quality touch. The Ivansia family, proving to all that they need not be frugal, indulged in unnecessary luxury even for a blanket.
“Is that so?”
“Yes!”
“Think about it. As you said, I am the empire’s premier lady. But being the premier lady is not only a status given at birth but also a credential that must be proven time and again in the future.”
“Huh?”
“If I am not worthy of being the premier lady as you said, lying leisurely by the fountain may look vulgar. My caliber is just that limited. However, what if it’s not vulgar?”
“Huh?”
“If I still appear noble despite lying by the fountain, that proves my ladylike quality, doesn’t it? Eating, sleeping, wearing and simply living should emanate nobility. Naturally, even lying by the fountain should turn into a painting, shouldn’t it?”
“Uh… Uhm…?”
“So the blanket is unnecessary.”
I flicked it, sending the blanket into the fountain.
“Ah! But it’s expensive…!”
“The fountain might occasionally want a blanket too. Rather than that, look at me.”
The maid hesitantly obeyed my command.
Her eyes captured my image.
Lying on the rim of the fountain, with one arm stretched down, I looked at the maid at an angle.
“…….”
“How is it?”
“…Noble.”
“Does it become a painting?”
“Yes. You are a painting, Miss…”
“I ask your aesthetic sense. Would adding a brown blanket to this portrait bring cultural gain or loss? If this painting were to hang in the palace corridor, should it include a blanket or not?”
“…Oh? Would it look more beautiful with the blanket…?”
“Exactly.”
I nodded in satisfaction.
“So, it’s proven that I have no issue being the empire’s premier lady. I’m striving to create a picture worthy of hanging on the palace walls. Your worry has also been proven unnecessary.”
“Huh? …Uh?”
“Now go. I wish to enjoy the garden’s freshness and the fountain’s murmurs a bit longer.”
“Ah, yes… Uh? Huh…?”
The maid walked away, still puzzled. The puzzlement didn’t cease as she retreated. Watching her, a slightly amusing sensation fluttered through my cold heart.
For a brief moment.
The murmurs of the fountain beside me flowed.
“…….”
It’s tedious.
“…….”
It’s tedious.
“…….”
It’s tedious.
“Hmm…….”
What is it?
This bottomless sinking boredom. No. The boredom itself is at the bottom, but what exactly is it?
“Indeed.”
This was Raviel’s childhood.
“I wonder, is it the world that’s dull?”
The emotion that dominated her entire youth.
“Whether I read books, chatter in social circles, learn the sword, nothing feels fulfilling.”
The sky was blue. It was so clear that there were few clouds. But even such a sky would have more expressions than my current face, which was also Raviel’s face.
Absolute expressionlessness.
Let’s assume there are several paths I could tread upon from this point forward.
‘Become the emperor’s consort. Become the empress, turn the emperor into a puppet, and play with the empire. Or gather the nobles’ factions under the banner of Ivansia and rebel. Rule over the newly established empire and enjoy a reign of twenty years.’
Perhaps that’s the extent of the paths laid out for Raviel from birth.
“Anything’s possible.”
I intuitively sensed that whichever path I chose, I would succeed, barring some unforeseen misfortune.
‘The current emperor is a saintly ruler. There’s no need to plot a rebellion. The diligent subjects under His Majesty’s knees and the wise people swinging their hoes in Ivansia’s lands every season are quite satisfactory.’
I thought that the scenery was beautiful.
Like looking at a famous painting I barely knew, I found it beautiful but not fun.
Only the emotion [wanting to preserve what is beautiful just as it is] existed in this heart.
Then, am I to live a life for the empire… A life for all the people of the empire?
It would be meaningful.
But
“It’s boring.”
So tedious that I can’t stand it.
Wake up every morning, dust off the painting, work to preserve the colors, catch the ruffian trying to ruin the painting, kill the thief trying to steal it.
That’s all.
A life where every moment from morning till night is predetermined.
“Hey.”
Plop.
Waves rippled on the surface of the fountain.
Turning my head lazily, I saw a blond boy in the center of the garden, holding a pebble and grinning.
“My lady.”
“…….”
I opened my lips expressionlessly.
“I’m not a lady yet, Your Highness.”
“Then, lady-to-be.”
“If I were to call you the crown prince-to-be, would it not be disrespectful?”
“I believe tolerating each other’s disrespect is a virtue of a couple. If not, well, I might take concubines. Is that the future you desire?”
“Honestly, it doesn’t concern me.”
“My lady-to-be is indeed a woman with a cold heart.”
The blond boy lamented quite convincingly.
The sole heir of the empire. The empire’s successor, the crown prince.
Also, the man who has been designated as my fiancé since 20 years ago.
Before I was even born, that is.
‘Is this also a predetermined path?’
The blond boy spoke.
“You refuse to stand and show respect even after seeing me. You’re the first, apart from the empress mother, to stay lying down in my presence.”
“Since you said tolerating each other’s disrespect is a couple’s virtue.”
“Oh. Then I might as well become even more disrespectful.”
The crown prince grabbed my wrist. The wrist was perfectly cooled, and when the crown prince held it, his body heat transferred to it. It would probably leave a red mark on my wrist.
“Let’s go.”
“Where to, if I may ask?”
“Anywhere. Well, to be frank, imperial father suggested that I sweet-talk you a bit. It won’t hurt to be in good graces with the Ivansia family. I agree. However, If I have to sweet-talk anyway, it’s best to do it with the empire’s most beautiful lady, right?”
“You speak well. It will become a calamity in the future.”
“Huh?”
The boy tilted his head in confusion.
“What do you mean?”
“Words are impromptu, but the actions born from impromptu words leave a trace. Considering even this trace is called responsibility. Words last only as long as the mouth opens and closes, so to bear responsibility, actions must follow. You speak well, Your Highness, so the traces will be long, but can you bear them?”
“……?”
Indeed.
He didn’t understand.
Despite trying his best to mimic an adult, the crown prince couldn’t grasp advice that touched the essence of life.
Because only adults or geniuses can understand that.
Unfortunately, the crown prince is neither.
“It’s like you’re speaking like a prime minister. Well, whatever. I didn’t come here for a private lesson from my lady-to-be.”
“What then?”
“I heard a new shop opened in the market! A pastry shop, they say. Filled with exotic pastries, and the seasonal strawberries are delicious!”
“……Pastries can be prepared immediately at home. Shall I order some?”
“Ah, you don’t know at all. This to-be, you really don’t know!”
From lady to lady-to-be, and now just to-be.
“Pastries from the kitchen are just evidence of service! I’m not looking for service. A proper exchange between free citizens… That’s right. I desire free trade!”
“The citizens will rather envy Your Highness and me for our freedom.”
“We envy each other then. An ideal relationship between the sovereign and the subjects!”
He doesn’t listen.
Moreover, this man doesn’t even know what he’s saying, merely scattering plausible sentences he picked up.
“Come on, come on! I’ve even arranged a carriage. Not a royal carriage or one from your family, but just one rented from a merchant. No one will recognize us!”
That’s impossible.
Her silver hair is the noble symbol of Ivansia. The moment they enter the pastry shop, the employees will panic, kneel, and the shop owner will rush out bowing, all easily imagined in Raviel’s mind.
Is that so?
“Let’s proceed as Your Highness wishes.”
“Oh! Even the lady-to-be can be reasonable!”
Is escaping the predetermined path this simple?
“After the shop, let’s go to the market! Phew. Not to brag, but I’ve already visited all the six-day markets, three-day markets, and even the permanent markets in the capital. In this regard, I’m far more of an expert than you.”
“Yes.”
I just became a bit more foolish.
“I’m looking forward to it.”
“Look forward to it!”
Being with this man makes life feel shaky.
Everything familiar to me, my daily routine, what I’ll eat and drink, where I’ll sleep, all the paths are shaken and twisted.
It might not be ‘fun’, but,
It was certainly something ‘fresh’ enough to be noted.
“Come! Lady-to-be! This way, this way!”
Even if it’s just for a moment, I can forget myself.
If that’s the case, isn’t it worth giving your heart to him?
“Amazing. So strawberries in season taste this good? Here, lady-to-be, try some. Hmm. Suddenly, I want to see the sea. The sea. What do you think? Let’s go to the sea.”
Since escaping from oneself is always the hardest task.
“It’s too dark to see the sea…”
“Your Highness.”
Yes.
“Hmm?”
I’ve decided to be content with this life.
It’s tedious. Incredibly so.
“I will try to love Your Highness.”
“Oh! Finally…”
“However, I have a condition.”
Sometimes, life must be satisfied not with the sun, but only with the moonlight reflected on the water’s surface.
“The sea must be calm enough to reflect the moonlight.”
I simply requested the world to quiet down.
“Do not take concubines. Do not even give them a glance. If Your Highness is capable of love, grant that precious love only to me, and if love is impossible, then pour that effort only into me.”
“……”
“Then, perhaps I can stay by Your Highness’s side. To support Your Highness, to protect the empire, and to serve the people. Your Highness, can you promise to love only me?”
The boy remai
ned silent.
After a short while, with the usual convincing manner, the boy spoke brightly.
“Of course!”
“……”
“I will love only my lady!”
Yes.
It’s good to have expectations for the world.
At least the sound of the waves echoing in that unseen sea is a bit cooler than the murmurs of the water flowing through the fountain.
[Currently re-enacting the trauma of your killer.]
I quietly closed my eyes.
